Pursuing the Mind of a Neurotypical

Pursuing the Mind of a Neurotypical

While chasing boredom at Facebook, I ran across this image posted by a friend.  I don’t usually read these but, like I said, I was bored.  It is rife with things my psych doctor would call red flags and empty promises.

The first red flag is the “preface”.  Sometimes when people talk they say things like “Sorry, this is dumb but–“.  The premise of this is that you shouldn’t do that.  Never devalue what you are going to say by using a deprecating preface.  In theory, I agree.  In practice I have learned that to be “social” you need to use something to anesthetize the recipient.  I cannot count the times I have been reprimanded for saying things in an “angry” manner that was nothing more than stating the bald comment.  I said “This makes no sense and I can’t fulfill this requirement.” only to be told not to be angry.  The only way I have found to get around this is to preface my comment with “I totally agree with you but I can’t make any sense of this and I don’t think the requirement can be filled.”.  The preface “Sorry, this is dumb but–” is more likely to be used in a situation such as “Sorry, maybe I’m dumb but I think your shoes don’t match.”.  Trust me, when you are getting ready to tell someone something like that you don’t want them to get their back up.  “Your shoes don’t match”, while accurate, is inflammatory in most neurotypicals minds.  My base instincts are to say “Your shoes don’t match”. I spend a shit-ton of time trying to make sure I don’t say things in a way that the neurotypical understands whether I am mocking them or not.  You need to sound either deprecatory or sympathetic.  Sympathetic does not work a lot of the time since it comes across as “mocking”.  The precursor left to use is the deprecating “I’m sorry but”.

The second red flag is “Laugh so hard it’s obnoxious”.  Neurotypicals absolutely do not like any sort of over-reaction, not even laughter.  If you follow this directive, the most likely thing that will happen is someone will suggest a good therapist for that emotional “problem”.  As someone who has been manic many times, over laughing is creepy to the neurotypical.  They will literally step away.

That leaves the idiotic “You fit. I promise.”.  This is so ridiculous that I almost laughed out loud.  No, some of us will never fit, not anywhere, but you know what, we still deserve to be here and be happy.

in response to http://canadianatheist.com/2013/06/05/shut-up-and-listen/

” I’m actually a good listener, but I don’t, and never will shut up.”

you realize these two things are incompatible, right?

Either you shut up and listen to what someone is saying or you talk over them. Saying you never will shut up is basically saying “I don’t give a crap what you say”. I’m not even saying this as a woman or whatever. I’m just saying this as a *parent*. If you can’t ever “shut up” you will *never* be able to listen to your kids. And if it applies to kids, well hell, I think you can pretty much apply it to everybody else in the whole world. Until you back off and stop talking and actually *listen* and use *cognitive reasoning skills*, especially in the case of kids, you are *never* going to understand anyone but yourself. And unfortunately, *everyone is not You*. I’m not you, your kid is not You, your mom and dad aren’t You, the neighbors aren’t you. You cant understand someone else’s *experience of life* until you stop talking about how you experience life and listen using cognitive reasoning skills. Just hearing the words isn’t enough. Just being quiet and not talking over someone *isn’t enough*. You have to *think* about what that person said and you have to apply it not to *you* but to *them*. If you find yourself saying “well, that’s not what I experienced when I went to Disney, I don’t know what my daughter is talking about” then you *didn’t reason out what was said to you*. You just tried to apply what they said to *yourself* and that *doesn’t* work.

Why I Am Not Who You Think I Am

I am not who you think I am – as I got rudely reminded today, most people think hetero white married with children women stand for nothing.  The argument today — I couldn’t possibly *really* want to help anyone else because I’m so “privileged.”  That I can’t stand for anything, I can’t be for a minority stand point, I can’t possibly have any idea what anything is about so I’m just hurting rather than helping — because I’m privileged.

I am so fucking tired of defending my right to NOT be racist, to NOT be conservative, to NOT be a teaparty asshat.  The farther I get into the atheist movement, the more I get abused because I “can’t understand.”  You know, I have just one thing to say to that, WTF ever.  I’ve been having these same arguments with racists and bible thumpers and just plain assholes for more years than some of you have even been alive.  You push my buttons, I respond, then, you know what, I’m done because I can’t imagine a damn thing to say that will pry you out of your little stereotype machine that labels me “insincere hetero white southern woman.”

You don’t know me but I sure as hell know you.  I ignore your fundie bible thumping posts on facebook, I listened to your racist rants at the last family dinner, I roll my eyes at you when I hear you telling someone how “they just aren’t like us.”  Yeah, so what, you call yourself ‘liberal’, ‘gay’, ‘atheist’ but you know what, the shit you say is *just* like the racist bullshit I’ve had to live with for the last 40 years.

I’ll raise a glass and hope that when your wayback stereotype machine finally breaks, you don’t feel too horrible about the layer of shit you’ve spread over the secular world.

There comes a time in your life

There’s a quote going around my Facebook feed right now that starts out “There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all the drama and the people who create it”.  Sometimes that sentiment is something you need.  Maybe your sister is creating massive drama because of her wedding or maybe your children have bad haircuts and your husband is freaking out.  I can totally see walking away from those sorts of life wasting drama and refusing to participate.  On the other hand, you have the important drama that plays out in the news every day. Right now it’s a storm of criticism of contraception — both the requirement for insurers to pay for it and, stunningly, the right to use it.  I see that storm in my Facebook feed as my liberal women friends and family finding out in the worst way possible that the male friends and family they thought were as liberal as them, aren’t — in fact they are rabidly against birth control unless, of course, it’s them using it.  These men see themselves as people who are all for women’s rights and agree that the right to wear a condom belongs to men but the right for women to take birth control is wrong.  

Mostly, there is no logic involved in this storm of argument and I can see why women are taking this quote and quietly leaving the argument.  The problem is that if we, those men’s friends and family, don’t demonstrate why it’s wrong for them to try to control our bodies, then they will never even have a second thought about it.  We need to be more engaged in the fight, more engaged in opening up awareness that just leaving things alone is how the Tea Party racist misogynist conservatives got in power.  Instead of leaving the drama alone, we should articulate and express why controlling another person’s choices is wrong.